The streets of Detroit were cold and unsettling. Tucking her chin into her cleavage Carmen turned the corner, trying to avoid the bum slumped on a park bench, the smell of vomit and stale cigarette smoke bombarding Carmen’s senses as she passed causing her to retch silently. After returning from Vegas she couldn’t stand being sat inside the four walls of her apartment, she couldn’t cope with being cooped up like an animal any longer, after the episode she had faced on the plane she had locked herself away from the world, unsure of how to control the demons plaguing her, she had taken to locking herself in her apartment like some disease ridden animal, unsafe to roam around the people of Detroit, just in case she infected them with her disease. After days upon days sat in her apartment with nothing but her thoughts it had finally become too much, in a frenzy Carmen had gasped for fresh air, draping her coat over her shoulders and quickening her pace out of the door, unsure of where she was heading she walked with her head down and her hands tucked away in her pockets. So many thoughts swam around her head that her loss to Bateman hadn’t even registered yet. Up until a few hours ago while Carmen was glancing over the outline for the next show she hadn’t even realised her next match was to be a title match for the ICON title, and the strangest thing was she didn’t even care. The idea of titles, wrestler of the month awards and so on meant nothing to her. Unlike the rest of the roster Carmen didn’t think the be all and end all of her career was gold. She had a much bigger task at hand. Thanks to William Bateman never actually going for her stomach in her match Carmen was still lumbered with her imaginary baby, her mind had reasoned because he never made a direct hit towards the resting area of her unborn child it still had to be there.

At first Carmen had thought about her situation, she had wondered if Townsend would be up to the challenge that Bateman couldn’t do. But then thought better of it. It had become clear to Carmen if she wanted rid of this child the job was hers and hers alone. Others had tried and failed; now it was down to her. She had already planned out what she was going to do, but it had to wait. She couldn’t risk putting herself completely out of action just yet. For now she was going to have to deal with the idea of this child taking refuge in her womb, clinging onto her literally for dear life. The thought repulsed her.

Walking straight a small park began to materialise in front of Carmen, the pathway leading straight through the middle had been dotted with park benches and small squares of dying flowers symmetrically placed either side. The cold air bouncing an empty bottle down the road nearby sounded like the only noise for miles, this was bliss for Carmen. Choosing a bench not to far from the entrance to the park she seated herself and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one up she inhaled deeply, rested her elbows on her knees with her hands together and lay her chin on her chest. The night time breeze sent shivers down Carmen’s spine. Savouring every drag of her cigarette Carmen’s thoughts turned to the child inside of her and the damage it had done to her. In Vegas her ever suffering mental state had modified her recent matches in her head. Her first three had played in her mind so differently to how they had played out on screen, with Reynolds, fans had seen Carmen walk out of the ring battered and bruised, she had seen herself walking out victorious. These fake memories had been trashed after Carmen had decided to watch them back, the realisation dawning on her as she watched herself pinned again and again. Townsend and Tara both walking out the winners of the match, leaving Carmen to wallow on her own self pity. It was sickening to see what this fetus was doing to her, almost turning her entire world upside down. It was time to take charge.

Now was the time to get her head in the game, she needed to vent to someone. To say these thoughts out loud to someone other than her reflection. Flicking through the contacts in her mobile phone Carmen stopped. Stephanie Gazelle. She had been the one to find Carmen lying in a pool of her own vomit and drugged up to her eyeballs. They hadn’t ended things on good terms, but right now she needed someone and as nasty as it sounded, she knew Stephanie would always pick up. Putting her phone to her ear and throwing her cigarette end on the floor she stood up and began wandering back and forth, after the third ringing tone it stopped.

Stephanie: Hello...CJ?

Carmen: Hey Steph...Look don’t hang up ok, I just want to talk

Stephanie: CJ I don’t want anymore of your drama, I’m sick of dealing with all of your bullshit.

Carmen: Steph I’m not calling to get you involved in any drama..I...I just need someone to talk to ok?

Hearing Stephanie sighing on the other end of the phone Carmen knew she wasn’t going to hang up, they had been friends for years, and it was unlikely Stephanie was going to throw that away all because of a stupid accident.

Stephanie: Ok, ok. But I swear Carmen, Anymore bullshit and I’m gone.

Carmen: I know Steph.

Stephanie: So what brought on the phone call?

Carmen: It’s this fucking job of mine; honestly i’m beginning to struggle now.

Stephanie: Yeah I’ve been watching...Not exactly the longest winning streak you’re on eh?

Carmen: Not in any sense.

Stephanie: Guessing you’re nervous?

Without an answer from Carmen, Stephanie decided to elaborate on her point, unsure if Carmen was stable enough for the full truth from her.

Stephanie: Y’know, title match...Rhys Townsend...Etcetera?

Carmen: You know what Stephanie...No. I’m not; Gold was something that USED to light a fire under my ass. It’s what every wrestler strives for in this game. The one thing everyone in the business wants to accomplish is hold a title...That isn’t me anymore.

Stephanie: What are you talking about Carmen, you’re a wrestler...Of course it should light a fire under your ass!

Carmen: I couldn’t care less about holding a title belt around my waist. I’ve realised there’s more to life than gold and glory Steph. I don’t want my life to revolve around it.

Stephanie: Ok what the fuck has got into you CJ? This is not the chick I knew that walked into HOW 2 years ago.

Carmen: That’s because I’m not the same person now. Thing’s have changed. I mean, I look at people like Jace, Townsend and Reynolds, all the guys that hold titles. All of them bickering and fighting between them for the sake of holding up a hunk of plastic and being able to say they are the best in the business, It’s pathetic. They feed on ego boosts and roaring fans, they try to call themselves dedicated wrestlers, try to say they’re dedicated to HOW. Its bullshit, none of those men even know the meaning of the word dedicated! They swan around thinking they’re god’s gift to the world. Look at Townsend for exa...

Stephanie: Isn’t he your opponent next week?

Carmen: Yes, he is. But look at him, because he has a title he thinks he’s amazing, he got wrestler of the year award. Big fucking deal. He’s basing his achievements on stats and win to loss ratios, any win is a win no matter who it’s against or how it’s done. That’s not dedication at all.

Stephanie: Do you have a point to get to?

Carmen: Yes I do as a matter of fact. You know what dedication is? Dedication is me walking into the ring every fucking week, with thousands of fans surrounding me, willing me to lose, with every wrestler sat backstage sniggering to themselves, because they think i have no right to be there. All the while I walk in with my head held high, even though not one person in that fucking establishment expects anything from me other than ending up on my back, because that’s where I’m supposed to be apparently. Everyone expects nothing from me; no-one gets nervous previous to a match with me because no-one thinks I’m worth anything. That’s dedication, my ability to fight week after week, no matter how many times I lose, I still get back up and try again. No other wrestler in HOW or any company could withstand so much frustration. If it were anyone else they would have given up by now. Not me. I don’t need some sort of clarification for losses. On that particular day the guy that beat me was better than me.

Stephanie: I suppose that’s one way of looking at it...But aren’t you the slightest bit bothered any of it? I mean come on! If it hadn’t of been for America trying to distract you in Vegas you would have beaten Bateman.

Carmen: Steph, a year ago that’s what I would have said. I could sit here and cry over the fact that America’s interference in my last match cost me the victory, i could blame it on so many things. But what’s the point? I should have made sure I didn’t let America interfere, but I did, and I paid the price for it. It won’t happen next time.

Stephanie: Ok...So do you have some sort of strategy for Townsend? I mean, the guy has won a lot of matches.

Carmen: Nope.

Stephanie: Wait, you’re not even going to prepare for the match?

Carmen: Nah, no amount of training is going to make a difference, if I have any chance of beating him it’s there whether I train within an inch of my life or not. It’s a case of wait and see.

Throughout the entire conversation Carmen couldn’t help but let her thoughts drift back towards the child. She wanted desperately to tell someone about it, to share her troubles. But she knew deep down Stephanie wouldn’t understand. It was impossible for her to even try, for now the slight comfort she took in the fact Stephanie could listen was enough. Just as Carmen began to say goodbye a noise in the background froze her on the spot.

Carmen: Steph...What...What’s that noise?

Stephanie: Shh, shh shh shh. Oh it’s just the little one. I’m looking after my sister’s baby while she has a night off, the poor little thing hasn’t spelt all night and i’m drained.

Carmen could not believe the words coming out of her own mouth, and before she had a chance to reason with herself Stephanie was already answering her question.

Carmen: Well I could come round for a coffee if you like?

Stephanie: You know what? That’s actually a good idea, head round now and I’ll make us both a coffee. Some adult interaction would probably take the edge off.

She couldn’t believe what she had agreed to. Not even agreed to, she had been the one to offer. In her current condition it there didn’t seem like anything positive could possibly come out of this situation. Even though Carmen was trying to force the words out of her throat “no, it’s late i should get home” She could hear herself talking.

Carmen: No problem, I’ll be five minutes.

The next thing Carmen knew she was standing on the doorstep of Stephanie’s home. A spacious two bedroom house situated within walking distance from Carmen’s own modest one bedroom apartment. It had been weeks since she had been here, after the incident with Carmen swallowing too many sleeping pills they hadn’t spoken at all, but this was their relationship through and through, they would fall out, stop talking and within a few weeks everything would be back to normal again. Carmen really wanted to be honest with Stephanie about everything, but right now she could barely find the words to greet her friend at the door.

Stephanie: Well don’t just stand there, your letting the cold on.

Stepping into the house had only emphasised Carmen’s worries. The smell of baby powder was thick in the air and the sound of playful cartoons could be heard gently flowing from the living room. Stephanie extended a hand gesturing Carmen to head into the kitchen where a hot coffee and ash tray were already waiting for her. Walking past the living room the sight of a baby’s electrical swinging chair made her skin crawl, while the sound of the child gurgling felt like someone piercing a needle through her ear drums. How was she meant to cope with this?

Stephanie: Carmen you look like you’ve just seen a ghost, what the hell is wrong with you?

Carmen: Oh nothing, I think i’m just worried about my match.

The excuse was lame, Carmen knew that but she had no other route to take.

Stephanie: Well you’ve changed your tune. Not even five minutes ago you were talking about none of it mattering.

Carmen: Yes but I do still worry you know, wouldn’t you if you knew on Monday you were about to walk into the ring with a huge guy getting paid to kick the shit out of you?

Stephanie: Ah whatever, you’ve had worse beatings haven’t you?

Carmen: True, but there’s a title on the line, like I said earlier, these guys are obsessed with them. I know he is going to do anything to make sure I don’t beat him. Not that he thinks it will take much effort.

Stephanie: Exactly! You said it yourself, none of them expect a fight out of you, so they’re probably not going to try, and that gives you a pretty good advantage.

Carmen shrugged her shoulders and carried on staring at her cup, she didn’t care about her match, if she got beat, or even if there was a title. From the moment she walked into the house she couldn’t get that damn child out of her head, and once again her mouth began working independently, and she was asking questions she didn’t have control over.

Carmen: Can I see the baby?

Stephanie threw Carmen a confused look, flicking her long blonde hair out of her face and placing a hand on her hip.

Stephanie: What the fuck? You hate kids....Why do you want to see the baby?

Carmen: It’s your sister’s baby; I haven’t seen him since he was a newborn. I don’t hate all kids, just ones that have no attachment to me.

Looking down at her stomach even saying that sentence made her want to vomit, the unborn child inside her was an attachment to her yet she hated it more than she had ever hated anything before. Raising an eyebrow at Carmen, Stephanie led her into the living room where her nephew lay gurgling to himself and grabbing at the mobile hung from the bar on his chair.

Stephanie: He’s so much bigger now isn’t he? Just started talking, he’s managed to say mommy and cat. My sister’s husband isn’t too happy about the fact he hasn’t said dada yet but I’m sure it won’t be long. Anyways I’m going to make another coffee.

Carmen face turned a horrifying shade of yellow, she was not fit to be around children right now especially not on her own. She couldn’t understand why she had offered in the first place. The last thing she wanted to do was spend time with kids, but something inside of her was taking over, without turning to look at Stephanie she mumbled.

Carmen: No problem.

This time her mind and body began acting of their own accord, only this time it was more like Carmen was watching herself from above. She could see herself picking up the child and shushing him in her arms, cradling him and soothing him. Stroking his wisps of black hair as he pulled at her fingers, trying so hard to get them into his mouth, looking around the room to make sure Stephanie wasn’t on her way in Carmen began to creep out the house, picking up a baby blue blanket she wrapped the child up into a little cocoon, the voice inside her head screaming “Stop, put the baby down and go home for fuck sake!” But she couldn’t seem to stop herself, she knew what she was doing was wrong, but part of her reasoned she had no choice; this is what she had to do. Standing at the front door she clicked it open, waiting for a moment before stepping into the cold and hearing the footsteps behind her she turned her head round to see Stephanie quickening her pace towards Carmen, a look of confusion turned to terror as she realised what Carmen was about to do, before Stephanie could reach her Carmen bolted. She had no idea where she was running, or why she had picked up this innocent child. But she couldn’t turn back now, it was too late. As Carmen turned a corner and was out of sight the last noises that disturbed the streets were the combined cries of the innocent child in Carmen’s arms and the horrified screams of Stephanie running after them. Where Carmen and the child would end up, only she knew.